The Hawkfrost dating show

"HHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO CLANS!" Echoed from the big-screen HDTV's surround sound.

"What?" Tallstar asked, putting a paw to his ear. "I can't hear him!"

"Cause you're going deaf, you old coot." Lionheart rolled his eyes.

"I heard that."

"Oh so you made a magical recovery? Wow, we must really be in StarClan after all!"

"Just shut up and turn the volume up, Lionheart." Whitestorm rolled his eyes. "Is that Brambleclaw?"

"Yes, it is. And he's wearing - a kittypet tie?" That was Oakheart, who was gaping at the screen. "A black kittypet tie?"

"He must be going for the Kitty Bond look." Redtail remarked, munching on his popcorn. Yes, they have popcorn in StarClan. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

They also have couches and TVs, too. Take that.

"Welcome to The Hawkfrost Dating Show, in which we will torture random cats randomly. I am your host, Brambleclaw - "

There was a deafening screech of "WE LOVE YOU BRAMBLEY!"

Brambleclaw just stared at the small group of she-cats gathered. "Do not call me Brambley."

"Yeah, only his mommy can do that!" Ashfur yelled.

Brambleclaw attempted to get back on track. "Ignore the annoying gray pain-in-the-tail, if you please. He's just mad cause I got the girl. Now, back to introduction, our prime torture subject shall be none other than... HAWKFROST!"

There were many, many boos from the audience, especially from RiverClan, as the tabby walked out beside his brother. "Where am I? I thought I was dead."

"You are dead. And you will stay dead." Brambleclaw glared for a moment at him, then turned back to the camera with a pleasant smile on his face. "Now, what is The Hawkfrost Dating Show you ask? Well, why don't I let Hawkfrost here explain it."

"It's a dating show. Why can't we just move on?" Redtail remarked, only to be 'shushed' by Whitestorm.

Hawkfrost, holding poorly hidden queue cards, looked up at Brambleclaw. "I don't know how to read."

"Just read it."

"But -"

"NOW!"

"Okay, okay, no need to get your tail in a knot..." Hawkfrost cleared his throat and stared hard at the que cards, which he held right in front of his face. "The Hawkfrost Dating Show is... w-w-here we shall put... Hawkfrost with random she-cats - Hey, wait a second, I thought this was a karaoke show? Like StarClan Idol?"

"You're not in StarClan, you idiot, so you'll take what we give you." Oakheart stated.

"No, we wouldn't torture the wonderful audience by having them listen to your horrible caterwauling." Brambleclaw continued. "So yes, you are the star of your own show." He looked back at the camera, his oh-so-shiny smile back in place. "Now, our first contestant is one that absolutely repulses me. Let's welcome... Spottedleaf!"

And with that, the beautiful, starlit tortoiseshell came onto the screen and sat down on the other side of Brambleclaw, away from Hawkfrost. "Can we make this quick? I have dreams to walk in, prophecies to foretell, a manicure appointment to make, so come on, let's go."

Brambleclaw shook his head before answering. "We'll try not to take up too much of your time, Spottedleaf. Now, shall we read the oneshot?"

"This should be good." Tallstar had stolen Redtail's popcorn and was munching away, eyes glued to the TV screen.

-----

"Yes, Leafpaw, I know Cinderpelt told you to go by the Owl Tree to find some, but that was trampled on today by a stray dog passing through. The twolegs will restrain him soon, but for now I want to keep you safe. Here, there's some down by the river." Spottedleaf sat down and watched as the medicine cat apprentice dashed off to collect her herbs, and then came back up to the StarClan cat with a bunch in her mouth. "Good, go take them back to Cinderpelt."

Leafpaw nodded, muttering "Thank you, Spottedleaf." between her mouthful of herbs, and ran off to camp.

Spottedleaf cocked her head to the side when she noticed a dark, tabby shape by the river. But, that couldn't be, Tigerstar was- She paused. Well, of course. That was Hawkfrost, not Tigerstar. It was so easy to mistake Hawkfrost and Brambleclaw for their father. She padded up to the river, seating herself beside it. "Hello, Hawkfrost. How's the prey running in RiverClan?" She knew, of course, but it was always polite to ask.

He looked up suddenly, and Spottedleaf was startled by his bright blue eyes, as she was expecting amber. "Who are you?" He demanded.

"Spottedleaf. ThunderClan's former medicine cat." She answered, slightly offended by his tone. "Who are you to talk like that to StarClan?" She usually wasn't so mean.

"I am the son of Tigerstar." He seemed proud of this fact.

Spottedleaf didn't like it. "And? You are not your father."

"So what if I am?"

"Then I'm very worried for you." She answered quietly. "Tigerstar suffered because of his treachery, and if you choose to follow the same path, so will you."

"I don't need you to look after me."

"Do you?" She asked, genuinely concerned. Hawkfrost seemed like he could go on to be a great warrior, she wanted to help him. After all, he was half-ThunderClan. "Are you honestly sure about that? You need my help and you know it. You're not sure what you want, so you chose a path that you knew from start to finish. That doesn't have to be your destiny, Hawkfrost. Look at Firestar - think about that path."

"The path of a kittypet?" He spat.

"The path of a Clan leader." She answered, leaping over the river - she was StarClan, she could do that. She sat down next to him, looking at his blue eyes. "The path of a good, respected cat."

"That means nothing to me. The path to greatness is fear, bravery, and battles."

"That's what Tigerstar has taught you, and he is wrong. You saw where those things got him." She answered. "Why will you not listen to me?"

"Why are you so worried about me?"

She paused. "I've been watching you for a long time, Hawkfrost. You are a great warrior, don't be like him."

"That doesn't answer my question. That avoids it."

"I just do not want you to be like Tigerstar, Hawkfrost. You have so much more potential than to end up like him." She tentatively touched his shoulder with her tail-tip. "Please, think about your actions." And with that, she stood. "I can do no more than ask." She jumped back over the river, but before she could walk off, Hawkfrost called to her.

"Spottedleaf!" She turned to face him. "Thank you."

She smiled and nodded her head, then continued walking.

----

The audience echoed with various boos and awwws.

"Well, that was the episode, everyone, please come back next time to find out who we put Hawkfrost with next!" Brambleclaw announced, shining his sparkly smile at the camera. "Good night everybody!"

And with that, the screen went blank, and in the normal fashion of credits, the words began to scroll upwards. First came the actors -

Brambleclaw - himself

Hawkfrost - himself

Spottedleaf - herself

Producer - Tigerstar

Director - Tigerstar

Camera cat - Littlecloud

Makeup - Barkface

Clothing provided by - Daisy

No Cats were harmed in the making of this oneshot. Though some might be mentally scarred.

Cotonuts do not own anything slightly related to Warriors. This is just their sick and twisted imagination.

After the credits had stopped rolling, Whitestorm stared at the screen. "Tigerstar was the producer?"

"And the director!" Lionheart interjected.

"Dang..." Oakheart remarked.

"It was good!" Redtail bounced up and down hyperly. Apparently they had let him drink a mountain dew. Yes, they even have mountain dew in StarClan. Nyah. "I wanna watch the next one!"

"Dude..." Lionheart stared at him. "He killed you."

Redtail just stared blankly. "So?"

"Sometimes, Redtail, I worry about you." Whitestorm remarked. "But I'm not going into that right now; right now I want to congratulate Tigerstar on his show."

And so, by using their StarClan super powers, they summoned Tigerstar to the TV room. "What the- Oh, what do you want?"

"We wanted to thank you for putting such a cool show out on the TV," Tallstar announced.

"Yeah, there's nothing on anymore but old Kits of Hazzard, StarClan Idol, and The Young and The Miceless on nowadays." Whitestorm rolled his eyes. "You'd think someone would put something decent on TV."

"Uh... Thanks?" He looked around sneakily. "You guys thought it was good?"

"Yeah!" Redtail was bouncing again. "When's the next one coming out?"

"How should I know? We're on a budget."

"Well... Do you know who'll be in the next one?"

"Eh..." He thought for a moment. "I was actually thinking of Silverstream and Feathertail."

"Dude, you really are evil."

"And don't you forget it."